Things to do while on the ’hound
 
1. Sleep (ha!)
2. Eat
3. Stare out the window
4. Eat some more
5. Write in your journal
6. Read your journal (esp. the parts not written on a bus)
7. Attempt to read the book you brought, then stop after less than ten pages
8. Read again zines and comics that you bought a few days ago, then read immediately, which of course caused you to wish that you had saved your twenty dollars and just read it all in the bookstore. See? You knew what you were doing.
9. Fart with abandon!
10. Track the swelling of your feet
11. Write letters to ex-girlfriends
12. Go to the tiny restroom, jerk-off, then steal all the handi-wipes for when you need to shit and there’s no toilet paper
13. Make a list of stuff you’ve already done — and only nine hours in! — like it’s a to-do list (O.K., I admit, I haven’t written anyone yet)
 
Sage Advice
 
1. Unless you are nine-years-old and actually enjoy McDonald’s & Burger King three or four times a day for x number of days, bring snacks. If you are vegetarian, bring lots of snacks. The only other alternative is truck stop fare. The equals chips and nuts — and at date-rape prices. Especially if you’re vegan . . . extra especially if you’re poor & vegan. I once subsisted on bananas & bean dip that I ate with my index finger for two days. No joke.
 
2. Drink lots of water. But . . . this doesn’t mean you should buy lots of water. Purchase one medium-sized bottle (16-24 oz.) of spring water, then keep refilling it at water fountains, in restrooms. It’s O.K. if it tastes assy — your body can still use it. And the heavy metal content will help fill you up.
 
3. Sit as close as possible to the front. Seriously. Semi-homeless people who pack their stuff into garbage bags sit in the back. Cologned fat men who take their shoes off before passing out, sprawled in every direction — they sit in the back. The heated conversations in Spanish are conducted in the back. You have to trust me on this one. I mean, at the very least, the toilet is going to stink.
 
4. If the bus is nearly full when you are boarding, sit by an attractive person of the opposite sex (if that’s your thing). Try very hard to do this ’cuz it can make all the difference. It doesn’t matter if you feel like a jerk; don’t even ask if the seat is taken. And don’t worry that they’ll hate you. Of course they’re gonna hate you. Everyone hates the person sitting next to them. This way, maybe they’ll at least drool on you or something in their sleep.
 
5. Don’t talk to anyone. If a talker sits next to you, flat out ignore them. Do not be polite. Responding just once equals hours of drama. Ignoring them, after a few moments, will make your trip so much easier. Sure, they’ll find someone nearby to gab to, but at least you don’t have to pretend to be interested.
 
6. If you have an empty seat next to you, put something in it. If the bus starts to fill up and the driver says for you to move it, do nothing. Be a complete shit to anyone who asks if the seat is taken. Lie to them, say it is. Sure, you will probably have to give it up at some point, but the chance that you won’t have to — this is bliss.
 
7. Stare at the morbidly obese, at the very old, at the handicapped, at the belligerently drunk. If there is an incident, crane your neck to watch it. I know everyone else is staring and you feel like a cad, but what else are you going to use for entertainment?
 
8. If the teen-aged Latina seated next to you starts to cry, be a gentleman. End the thing you’re writing and turn out the overhead light.
 
To be continued . . .
 
 
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